Weight-Loss One-Liners and Bariatric Belly Laughs

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For all people who fight the Battle of the Bulge but don't let it ruin your day.   These jokes were gleaned, begged, borrowed and stolen, folded, mutilated and spindled into their current form from centuries of hysterical (and historical) anecdote and joke books, encyclopedias, puns, limericks and all other things funny.


Good, wholesome self-deprecating jokes about overweight, weight loss, fatness.

By Pat Kelley

I once went on a 3 week diet and lost 21 days.

It is rumored that overweight people are good-natured folk.

We have to be, we're too fat to fight and too heavy to run away.

I not only kept my girlish figure, I doubled it!

When I go shopping I look for clothing for a ridiculous figure

I want to be thin but not Twiggy-thin. I hear when she drank red soda she looked like a thermometer.... Then again I don't want to be so thin as the girl who swallowed an olive and everybody assumed she was pregnant.

Just when I reached that point in life where I'm comfortable and price doesn't matter I find that calories do!

I have an hour glass figure, the sand just settle on the wrong end.

Husband bought me 10 lb weights to exercise with. Then he brought me some 20 lb weights, and then 50 lb weights. You should see the muscles on that guy.

I've been told that beauty is on the inside.  Leave it to me to have been born inside out.

Movie and theater seats must be 'made in China,' where tiny people make tiny seats. I made a reservation for a stage play and requested two seats. They gave me seats G10 and A250

I'm not overweight, at 5'5” I'm under tall.

5 things I hope for:

  1. Honesty
  2. Integrity
  3. Kindness
  4. Patience
  5. and a relative to leave me a million dollars

One diet is based upon the longevity of folks who live in Blue Zones. I heard one Blue Zone had to kill one of their own just so they could start a cemetery.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a being a comedian. I practiced speaking every day with a mouth full of marbles. Sometimes I'd drop a marble. When I lost all my marbles, I knew I was destined for comedy.

I loved my grand mother's rocking chair and used it for years before it finally broke and knocked me off the rocker. That's when I became a Toastmaster.

When I play miniature golf every time I place the ball where I can hit it, I can't see it and when I put the ball where I can see it, I can't hit it.

Dieter's Prayer: Lord, please put the calories into cucumbers and celery and let me eat fries!

I need hip replacement but am too overweight for surgery, so the doc said "I want to see half of you back in my office in one year.”

Look on the bright side, barbaric surgery is worth never seeing that “OMG it's coming toward us” look ever again.